It is hard for me to not worry about Max. Right now I feel that he is safe and sound in his cocoon of Mommy love but what happens when he enters this bright, cold world? With him tucked peacefully inside of me I know that my body is helping compensate for what his body might be lacking. What will happen to his body when it is forced to function independently? Will he be strong enough? Will his heart provide enough oxygen for his blood stream until surgeries are performed? Will he have the energy to do all the things that life require of him? I do take comfort in knowing that at first his life will be simple enough (as it is for all newborns)- eat, sleep, poop. But what happens when Morgen tries to hold him or play with him? Will Max be strong enough to endure brotherly love from Morgen who is still learning the concept of being gentle?
It is so hard to imagine what to expect. With Morgen I was anxious to see my baby for the first time, to smell his head, to feel his weight in my arms, to hear his gentle coos. And with Max I am anxious for all the same things but it is strange to have those happy anxieties along with all the worry of knowing he will not be physically healthy. The doctors are perfectly confident that Max will be fine. They have every reason at this point to believe that with the surgeries planned my Max will be active, healthy and able to keep up with all the curiosities this world has to offer a little boy. But in my mommy heart I feel the only reassurance I will receive will be the day I get to snuggle my baby and feel his tender heart pumping against my chest. I still have 3+ months to wait and until then I will have to trust in the doctors and patiently wait for Max to get big enough to face this world.
It is so hard to imagine what to expect. With Morgen I was anxious to see my baby for the first time, to smell his head, to feel his weight in my arms, to hear his gentle coos. And with Max I am anxious for all the same things but it is strange to have those happy anxieties along with all the worry of knowing he will not be physically healthy. The doctors are perfectly confident that Max will be fine. They have every reason at this point to believe that with the surgeries planned my Max will be active, healthy and able to keep up with all the curiosities this world has to offer a little boy. But in my mommy heart I feel the only reassurance I will receive will be the day I get to snuggle my baby and feel his tender heart pumping against my chest. I still have 3+ months to wait and until then I will have to trust in the doctors and patiently wait for Max to get big enough to face this world.
3 comments:
Hey Mary
Of course I remember you. It was cool to see you check in on my blog--please keep doing so! It helps us feel connected to California somehow... Anyway, I linked to this blog from your other one and I want you to know that I am amazed and humbled by your strength and matter-of-factness in dealing with the stressful part of this pregnancy. It has reminded me to have a little more patience and love with my boys and stop complaining about my barfy pregnancies. :) It is obvious that you are a very loving mother and I know that you were given Max because he needed YOU to be his mother. Really, how well do we know each other? But it just radiates off the screen. Good luck with everything and we will keep you in our prayers.
Wow, I can't imagine all the emotions that must be going through you right now. I'm so glad to hear that the doctors expect Max to be fully healthy after his surgery. We continue to pray for you guys and of course for little Max.
I can understand your fears. My nephew was born without his ulna (sp?) (bone from your elbow to your wrist) and has only 2 fingers on this arm, no palm or wrist. There were so many fears, how would he crawl, would he be able to ride a bike, play and run around like a normal boy like his big brother? Morgan is going to be the greatest big brother him. Max is going to watch him and have the determination to follow him. My little nephew didn't crawl on his hands but scooted on his bum and man was he FAST!!!! He is a major climber with his one arm helping him. He can swing from the monkey bars with his good strong arm. Nothing is holding him back and I truely believe it is because they are young and know nothing different and because of their BIG BROTHERS!!! Max is SO lucky to have Morgan and they will have a very close special relationship! We are praying for you and Max often!!!!!
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