Today feels a little bittersweet. 4 years ago today, I found out that I was pregnant with Max! It was probably one of the happiest, most memorable days of my life because, not only was I excited to have another baby, but it was also the day Spencer graduated from law school. I remember feeling so light and happy that day. Just grinning from ear to ear. Fast forward to this Mother's day, I feel very different. I love having a day to just relish the blessing of being a mom. My day will not be filled with breakfast in bed and carefree "princess treatment" from Spencer and boys because tomorrow morning we are taking our boy to the hospital. My day will be filled with packing Max's hospital bags. It makes me cry. Filling a bag with all of Max's favorite things. Things that we think will make him feel comfortable while he is so weak and sad. My day will be filled with packing Morgen's bags. It will be a long time that I will be away from Morgen. I'm use to having him be my sidekick going to the market, driving in the car, helping me make dinner, etc. But for the next 2 weeks he will be shuffled around and I will miss spending time with him and listening to him explain the rules to the new game he made up and peeking on him while he sleeps because I will be at the hospital with Max. My day will be filled with trying to think of all of Max's favorite things to do and trying to fit all those things into the day because I want him to have the happiest day ever (I'm sure some bowling, some Sorry, some trains and puzzles will be involved). My day will be filled with reviewing hospital paperwork and double checking the time we need to check in (6:00 am). I will cringe over the fact that Max can not eat or drink anything after midnight and panic that he will wake up feeling hungry. I will have to give him a bath with "a new bar of soap" and "wash [his] body with a full lather thoroughly for 3 minutes" and then "dry [him] in a freshly laundered towel" and "dress [him] in freshly laundered pajamas." And then I will feel bad that in the morning I will have to wipe him down again with antibiotic wipes given to us from his doctors that will leave his skin feeling sticky and smelling like the hospital. Today I will have to excuse myself and go cry silently in the bathroom so my boys do not worry about me. Tonight I will check on Max after he falls asleep and touch his hand and wait for his fingers to flinch and watch his chest to make sure he is breathing and give him a kiss on the forehead. Tonight I will let Spencer gather me up in his arms and hold me while I cry. I know we need to take Max to the hospital tomorrow morning. I know he needs this surgery but my mommy heart is going to fight it and try to think of another way to avoid all this "ouchy" for my son.
So while this day is going to be filled with very hard things, I am going to do my best to remember that it is another wonderful day that I get to be a mom. It is a perfect day to beam with pride about the fact that I have 2 amazing sons who I love with all my heart. I love being a mom. It is hard. Being a mom is hard but it is worth it because Morgen and Max are mine forever!
4 comments:
Oh Mary, my heart goes out to you. Just know that we're all praying for you and your family. We will think wonderful thoughts for him and hope that all goes as planned and they are able to fix the things needing fixing.
Make me cry, why don't you? Next Mother's Day will be better. For both of us. Love you!
My heart breaks just reading this. I wish I could be there tomorrow to just sit in silence and hold your hand as you watch the doors waiting for updates from the doctors. I'm sorry that you didn't get your "princess treatment" day from Spencer or from mom, but this will all make next year even that much better. You are the bravest, strongest, most loving and caring mom I know. I love you so much and look up to and admire you, little sis! Love you lots!!!!!!
You are such a loving and strong mother, your posts bring tears to my eyes. I'm glad everything with his surgery went well.
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